I realized today that I have become obsessive about my weight. I just want to lose weight NOW. I probably jumped on the scale more than 20 times today.... partly because I think it's dysfunctional but partly because I'm crazed. I feel so old lately.... old, fat and stupid. Why is it so hard to lose weight now that I'm 35? I travel miles in my garage each night (on my stationary bike) and lift my son's weights until my body feels like rubber and I've only lost 4 pounds in the last month. *sigh*
I was so hyped up about becoming a nurse but as I sit there in class and look around I realize just how late I am at coming to this decision. The people around me are barely 20, if that, and they already know more than I do. I am becoming so impatient. I want to be a nurse NOW.... I want to lose weight NOW! When did I lose sight of the fact that life is THE JOURNEY not the destination? When did I start to care about what people thought of me?
UGH! I guess I just want to be something when I grow up. I still feel like a kid......a kid with kids.
Today I was really goofy. I really was a kid amongst kids. I joked and laughed with the boys and it felt good....... well, until I had to be "the mom" and found it was hard to regain that authority after acting like a child. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life. There is so much I could have become by now... so much more I could have accomplished. Ha, my kids have accomplished more than I have in some ways.
I remember when I was much much younger dreaming about all the things I would be or do once I grew up. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. I am sure this list is nothing like the list I had then... I'm sure that list was much grander...but these are my most recent aspirations.
When I grow up I want to...
- always be a student
- see things as a child
- appreciate the small things that are often overlooked
- dance in the rain and jump in the puddles
- be loved
- be a good mother
- Be a good wife
- be a true friend
- be a nurse
- be a Volunteer
- be a good listener to someone who needs to be heard
- help people
- be a poet
- sing without caring who hears me
- get organized
- learn to play the guitar
- stop procrastinating
- face my fears
- learn to swim
- look out the window of an airplane and enjoy the scenery
- go up in a hot air balloon
- go hang-gliding
- be a good role-model
- listen to my kids without judging
- never grow up
