Restless legs and mind

I can't sleep. My legs wont let me lay still and my mind is churning away so I decided to get up and do something. I stretched my legs so now I need to empty my brain.

I realized today that I have become obsessive about my weight. I just want to lose weight NOW. I probably jumped on the scale more than 20 times today.... partly because I think it's dysfunctional but partly because I'm crazed. I feel so old lately.... old, fat and stupid. Why is it so hard to lose weight now that I'm 35? I travel miles in my garage each night (on my stationary bike) and lift my son's weights until my body feels like rubber and I've only lost 4 pounds in the last month. *sigh*

I was so hyped up about becoming a nurse but as I sit there in class and look around I realize just how late I am at coming to this decision. The people around me are barely 20, if that, and they already know more than I do. I am becoming so impatient. I want to be a nurse NOW.... I want to lose weight NOW! When did I lose sight of the fact that life is THE JOURNEY not the destination? When did I start to care about what people thought of me?

UGH! I guess I just want to be something when I grow up. I still feel like a kid......a kid with kids.

Today I was really goofy. I really was a kid amongst kids. I joked and laughed with the boys and it felt good....... well, until I had to be "the mom" and found it was hard to regain that authority after acting like a child. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life. There is so much I could have become by now... so much more I could have accomplished. Ha, my kids have accomplished more than I have in some ways.

I remember when I was much much younger dreaming about all the things I would be or do once I grew up. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. I am sure this list is nothing like the list I had then... I'm sure that list was much grander...but these are my most recent aspirations.

When I grow up I want to...

1. always be a student
2. see things as a child
3. appreciate the small things that are often overlooked
4. dance in the rain and jump in the puddles
5. be loved
6. be a good mother
7. Be a good wife
8. be a true friend
9. be a nurse
10. be a Volunteer
11. be a good listener to someone who needs to be heard
12. help people
13. be a poet
14. sing without caring who hears me
15. get organized
16. learn to play the guitar
17. stop procrastinating
18. face my fears
19. learn to swim
20. look out the window of an airplane and enjoy the scenery
21. go up in a hot air balloon
22. go hang-gliding
23. be a good role-model
24. listen to my kids without judging
25. never grow up